I apologize for the impromptu two-week break I took. Originally, it was only supposed to be a week, but if you read the caption for this post, you’ll understand why I took an extended break.
Pre-Burnout Recovery
Before I talk about the “crisis” that I had, let’s go back in time to when I decided to take a break in the first place.
Two weeks ago, I was on the precipice of burnout.
Besides writing for this newsletter, I’ve also been applying for jobs/internships, hoping to start a formal career.
However, at this point, I’ve applied to over 100 jobs and the rejection emails flow in like a never-ending river. Never have I been let down professionally so many times in my life.
I knew when I started applying to jobs that I would get a lot of “no’s,” but I underestimated how discouraging each “no” would be.
Of course, that’s not what the emails said, but that’s how I interpreted them.
“We appreciate your attempt, but you’re not good enough.” A little tip for the folks reading, if you see the would the word “appreciate” from a company you applied for, it’s a no go. Trust me I know from experience.
As much as my loved ones tried to cheer me up by saying something better would come, I couldn’t help but feel undesirable. At least professionally speaking.
Unfortunately, regardless of how fulfilling writing has been for me these past couple of months, the continuous rejection from employers has counteracted any joy I get from writing.
I had a hard time focusing on writing, and the application process had sucked all the energy out of me.
So, instead of falling head-first into burnout, I stopped working and went home for a change of scenery. At first, it was nice, and I relaxed, but as I got closer to the end of my self-prescribed break, the more anxious I felt.
The Crisis In Question
I kept these anxious feelings below the surface for the most part, but once I left home, they all hit me at once.
But they weren’t just anxious thoughts anymore, they had transformed into deeply melancholic thoughts.
I was questioning everything I had been doing for the past 3 months.
Why am I even trying when everything I do leads to nothing? I’ll never achieve the goals I have. There’s nothing I can do to change where I am right now.
My self-hatred was at an all-time high and I felt worthless.
How could I expect to help people when I keep falling into the cycles of unhappiness and discontent?
For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to try at all. I just wanted to isolate myself and rot alone.
Blind to My Blessings
I called my girlfriend instead, thankfully, who consoled me.
Fortunately, she told me things I needed to hear, even though I didn't want to hear them.
She basically showed me how ungrateful I have been for the past couple of months but in a loving
I had placed my happiness in the future, so nothing I did or had right now was good enough. The longer it took me to achieve my goals, the more miserable I felt.
“I’ll only be a happy when I’m rich” = a recipe for disaster
She explained that if I took a step back and valued the blessings right in front of me, I wouldn’t feel so much stress and discontent all the time. I had seen people stress the importance of gratitude, but I never thought it was necessary and it took a back seat to work.
Regardless of how I felt, gratitude (and time) are the foundation of success.
Good things take time, but they’re also happening all around me. I just need to get my head out of the ground and look.
On Being a Hypocrite
During this crisis, I felt like my words ran hollow if I couldn’t back them up with proof that I was constantly doing better. Despite writing about overcoming trials in my life, I was still struggling.
But I reminded myself that this newsletter is meant to help people by sharing my journey. Trying to be perfect makes my writing inauthentic and wouldn't help me or anyone else.
And my readers aren’t expecting me the perfect person either, which I am forever grateful for.
See I’m learning lol.
Passenger Princess
Moral of the story: I need to buckle up for the ride and be happy I’m in the car. I’ll get to my destination eventually, but there are so many pretty things to see on the way.
I’ll bring you guys with me, as I’m sure it’ll be quite the ride.
Thank you 🖤