Thoughts From An Ex People Pleaser
Selflessness is considered a virtue.
I’ve always been proud of my ability to put other people’s needs ahead of my own.
I did so even when people told me I didn’t have to, even when I didn’t want to, and even when it hurt me.
I just kept doing it until there came a point where I felt like I had nothing left to give. Not even for myself.
And unfortunately, at that point, I had set a precedent. So people expected me to give my all, no matter what.
I’ve only recently understood that what I was doing wasn’t selfless.
It was people-pleasing.
People Pleasing 101
A need for validation and self-hatred are two things every people-pleaser struggles with. However, they can easily bleed into each other and become one entity within a person.
Everyone wants validation, but for people-pleasers, it is more like an addiction.
And the thing about addiction is that you keep going back for more, even if it’s hurting you.
So, whenever my managers would ask me to work an extra hour or to do something outside of my responsibilities, I did it because I would get validation from them. And whenever I was told that I was a good worker or when customers would compliment me on my hard work, I got a rush of dopamine. Soon, I became dependent on this dopamine.
It didn’t matter that I would be physically and mentally exhausted all the time, because at least someone gave me that shot of dopamine.
Even when I knew I was being taken advantage of, I volunteered myself for things. That little bit of validation went a long way in my mind.
This happens outside of work too. Friends and acquaintances would ask me for favors, and I would do it, regardless of how it affected me.
And then there’s the second reason: self-hatred.
Self-hatred isn’t as easy to spot as people think.
When you think of someone who hates themselves, you probably see someone who is disheveled, depressed, and introverted.
That may be a fitting description for some, but self-hatred and attributes like that aren’t mutually exclusive.
Confident, well-spoken, and extroverted people can hate themselves too. If anything, those attributes can be the product of their self-hatred.
People who think they’re terrible will oftentimes do anything in their power to convince themselves and other people that they’re not.
So people pleasers don’t care about their well-being because they don’t think we deserve any better anyway.
Over-apologizing is a common symptom of self-hatred, which makes it a common symptom of people-pleasing too.
You keep apologizing for things, even when it doesn’t make any sense, because deep down, you feel like your very presence is stifling. You don’t say no, even when you want to, because saying no isn’t an option for you. In your mind, you haven’t earned the right to say no.
Starting Out
When I came to terms with being a people-pleaser, I knew it would take me a long time to stop being one. I knew it would be a journey.
I’ve had to learn to value myself and fill my cup first before trying to pour anything into anyone else’s. And I also learned that doing so doesn’t make me a bad person.
Self-preservation doesn’t equal selfishness. I still want to help other people, but I do so when it’s safe for me. This protects me and allows me to do better for others.
Regardless, I don’t think I’ve earned the title of “ex-people-pleaser” yet, but I think I’ll be there soon.
Road to Becoming an Ex-People Pleaser
The journey of becoming an ex-people-pleaser is a journey of reminders.
It’s about reminding yourself of your worthiness and reminding others that you’re no longer that same person. So, you have to reaffirm daily and set boundaries consistently.
It’s not easy, and there are times when I fall back into the mindset of wanting validation and belittling myself, but having these reminders is like having a life jacket.
My head may go under from time to time, but at least I have this life jacket that will pull back up eventually.