Blinding Light of Money

Chasing the bag ain't all its cracked up to be

Photo by Adam Nir on Unsplash

Blessed Beginnings

The reason I started this newsletter was simple.

Late into college, I realized how much I loved to write and I even started calling myself a writer.

Not only do I have something to say, but I genuinely believe my purpose is inextricably linked to the words that I say/write.

So, it only felt right for me to post what I wrote to a platform where people could interact with me instead of hiding it away in my journals.

I wasn’t worried about perfectly formatting my words, or checking my grammar.

Grammar is still the bane of my exsistence. You would think I was illliterate if you read my first drafts.

I was so eager to write that the words would just spill out of me. Proper grammar be damned.

It was freeing in the beginning.

Every time I hastily finished a post, I was ecstatic. I had felt that feeling all creatives chase. A thrill that is like no other feeling.

The pride you feel from your work. The uncontrollable anticipation you have waiting for other people to see it too.

Entering My Mr. Krabs Era

Yet, as time went on, the joy and fulfillment I got from writing was replaced with an unbearable anxiousness.

After the first couple of posts, while I was riding the high of writing I started learning more about my platform of choice: Substack.

At first, I followed people like me. People who enjoyed writing and sharing moments of their lives with others.

There’s something about reading peoples observations of their own lives, that fascinates me. Absorbing the little intracacies and quirks people have is something uniquely human to me.

However, the more I explored Substack, the more I was inundated with advice on how to become more popular ( and therefore more profitable) on the platform.

I started strictly reading posts from writers who wrote about how to be a better writer (aka how to monetize quicker) on Substack.

Consequently, all my social feeds were about monetizing your writing, and I became obsessed with making this newsletter “successful.”

No shade to the writers who do this btw. If that’s what you’re passionate about, have at it.

I changed the name to something I thought would be more marketable. I changed the format to make it more appealing to a general audience. And I even changed my writing style to fit a certain niche.

These things by themselves are terrible on their own. In fact, I think that has made me a better writer… technically speaking.

The Catch

Doing all of that to make money undoubtedly wrecked my creativity.

I was so eager to start making money from the newsletter that I pressured myself to create “content” rather than writing about whatever I wanted.

What’s worse was how counterproductive this mindset was.

I would just sit in front of my computer, write a couple hundred words, judge it, scrap it, and then stop writing altogether.

I was too critical of myself and too afraid to share what I wrote with people.

Normally, you see this sort of thing happen to creators who have already found commercial success.

Usually, you see creators go through this cycle when they start getting more traction. In the beginning, they are much more raw and authentic, but once the money starts coming in, they become hypnotized and lose sight of why they started creating in the first place.

Because it's fun.

But the craziest part is I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN THE MONEY YET LOL.

I voluntarily threw my creative freedom in the trash, without the added pressure from sponsorships or some big corporation.

So, I basically sold out when there wasn’t anyone one to sell out too…way to go Zay.

Depressing isn’t it? How money can taint creation so quickly?

But then again, was this inevitable when you live in a capitalist society that puts money over actual creativity?

Actually, there’s no need to me to make that argument here. There are plenty of people can do that better than me and I’m just little ole me.

If I were to be honest with myself, I can’t place all the blame on capitalism this time. I let money and impatience take root where my creativity should have been.

They have already been wreaking havoc on my life beyond the newsletter. Leading me down a road to joylessness. Working at jobs I hate while chasing other jobs I know I would hate just for a little extra change.

Thankfully, I’m in a position where I don’t have to do those things, yet I chose to them anyway, again because of money and impatience.

Ironically, I had this overwhelming fear that I would get stuck in a cycle of working a job I hated that pulled me further and further away from what I wanted to do.

So, my fear, my impatience, and “chasing the bag” was making me manifest one of my greatest fears.

Figuring this out was quite the wake-up call.

A Revamp of Sorts

I will be making some changes soon to my mindset toward the newsletter and the newsletter itself. I won’t specify what they are because frankly, I’m not sure what those changes will be.

But, I’m excited to get back to where I was when I started this newsletter.

It feels like life is a cycle of going back to the basics.

Thanks for reading xx

Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed please feel free to subscribe for more

Leave a comment and make sure to like this post

You may also like: