Escaping into the Void
“If I’m always trying to escape, what does that say about my life?”
That’s the question I asked myself last week after spending hours on social media.
I finally got a new job that isn’t nearly as physically demanding as the one before it, but there’s still a part of me that feels empty.
I may have gotten this new job, but I’m lacking in so many other aspects of my life. I’d like to see myself as a prolific writer and reader—someone who is living the life they were given and not some mindless passenger.
Yet, I still feel like I should and could be doing more for myself.
But maybe it’s all in my head. Perhaps I’m just being too hard on myself.
Unfortunately, the facts don’t support that theory.
It’s That Damn Phone…
If you’re an iPhone user, you probably get a weekly notification showing your average screen time.
I normally get them on Sunday mornings.
It’s almost like God likes to tell me about myself right when I get up for the day.
Let me be clear. My screen time is abysmal.
If I got paid to be on my phone, I would have had enough for a new apartment by now. A really nice apartment might I add.
I’m talking full-time job hours on my phone, watching YouTube videos, Instagram reels, or…
Actually, that’s all I do on my phone. At least those are the only things I spend hours doing.
I’m certainly not looking at my bank app that long…
My point is, every week my phone puts a mirror in my face and tells me how much time I waste on it. And I have the nerve to wonder why I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.
Now, could very well go on some diatribe on how phones are made to be addictive and it; ‘s big tech’s fault for making us screen slaves. I could go even further and say that they're the ones who should be held accountable for this overwhelming feeling of emptiness amongst my peers.
But let’s cut the shit…
We have dogs in this fight, blaming big tech is a just cop-out.
Regardless of all the larger societal implications, I think many of our issues with tech stem from one of two things.
Trying to fill a void
Trying to escape one
And I’ve been quite the Houdini for a while now.
Issues with Escapism
I’ve seen my life as a series of escapes.
Running from one situation to another, always hoping that the grass will be greener on the other side, only to find yet another dead patch of grass.
Inevitably though, after so many dead patches, and so much running, you’ll do anything to make it a little easier.
To escape.
And that’s where technology steps in.
Thousands of hours watching content, mindlessly.
Despite literally feeling my brain rotting as the hours pass the feeling is preferable to dread you feel thinking about all of dead grass around me.
But then, one stream of content isn’t enough anymore.
Soon I find myself reading an article while also listening to a podcast, while also scrolling on social media.
A media glutton. Stuffing my face with content to keep my mind from growing in disappointment.
You do something for long enough or if you’re in something for long enough, you can convince yourself that there’s nothing else.
I felt like I would always be running toward greener grass but never find my green patch. Maybe there were green patches, but it wouldn’t grow with me around.
And who would want to think about that?
The Power of Hitting Pause
To pause is a scary thing. Especially when you rarely do it.
It’s a fleeting moment for someone like me, someone whose anxiousness can get the best of her.
But finally, I paused.
I stopped running.
I stopped distracting myself.
I stopped trying to escape.
And what I saw was a life that I didn’t want.
The life of a passenger.
Writer’s note:
Hey everyone! This post will be split into two parts. You should expect the next part to come out soon. Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.
~Zay
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